Ubering my way here

Well, hello there reader(s)! If you’ve found yourself here by way of my Facebook or Instagram posts, then you are no stranger to my wacky recaps of things that only happen to me. Perhaps you’ve read or heard about my dad, the curious creature that wakes up each day with a plethora of new questions to annoy, amaze, and confuse me with. Today, I informed I would be taking an Uber to the Derby Street Shops. I should have just said “cab to the mall” and saved myself the interrogation, but as a truth speaker and glutton for punishment, I set myself up for a flurry of questions.

“So, why don’t cabs just do things the same way? Can you pick your driver? Who checks their cars to make sure they’re clean? How are their prices set? “How do they get hired, do you have to have a special car?” By the time he asked what had to be question number 64, I was fastening my seatbelt and being whisked away by Khwang. Khwang was a lovely, friendly young man who upon dropping me off at the outdoor mall asked what store I was going to. “Khwang my good man, it’s a beautiful day to be outside enjoying nature, so probably all of them!”

My original plan for today was to decorate my kitchen and dining room for fall; but much like my train of thought, that idea eluded me. I suddenly found myself thinking today was the day I would start this blog. I thought the only way to do this would be to go to a cafe or restaurant so I wouldn’t be interrupted by you know who. I decided the Derby Street shops would be the perfect place to go! I could start by going to Barnes and Noble to pick up some “you can do it boss bitch!” type of self help books to give me some motivation.

I dressed myself like a typical Derby Street shopper, all of my recent Nordstrom sale item clothes, my  laptop bag that came in my Fall Fab Fit Fun box, and told myself I was a grown, successful-ish, basic as hell, woman who could sit at Legal Seafood alone and start a blog whilst eating crab cakes and having a glass of wine. This all makes me so sound so classy and put together doesn’t it? I was really pulling it off in my mind!

Well, upon entering Barnes and Noble I was greeted by two women who wanted to talk to me about the lord and invite me to their bible study group. Now if you watch the news or read the overly shared click bait posts on Facebook, you know these women are just trying to lure you into some sort of sex trafficking cult. I politely told them I was “super Jewish” and kept it moving. While this may not be true , and probably a little racist, it’s much easier than saying I’m an atheist or a Christian and allowing the conversion / kidnapping attempt to continue. After escaping from them, I spent the next hour reading the backs of close to one hundred books, I chose three, and then proceeded to Legals to start my writing career. I got to the door and quickly remembered I have paralyzing social anxiety and this shit was NOT happening. Eating alone?  As Whitney Houston so eloquently put it “aw helll to the no!” So I fled to the one place that I knew could make everything better and I could talk myself off the ledge, and also grab some eyeliner, Sephora.

After six or seventeen laps around my personal heaven, I took my green eyeliner and various perfume samples up to the register and was told by the flawlessly made up boy at the register that I was “slaying” my makeup game. I took this new Beyonce style confidence and went back to Legals. This time I opened the door, walked in, put on my fakest smile and asked for a table for one.  Since nobody pointed, stared, or dumped pigs blood on me for daring to dine alone, I propped open my laptop and started googling “how to write a blog”. One glass of Riesling, a few rolls, and some crabcakes later, here I am, one post in the books!

So what did I learn today? Uber saves my sanity by getting me away from my beloved father, lying is wrong but sometimes necessary for survival, anxiety sucks donkey balls, Sephora is and always will be a magical land where boys with flawless makeup complete me, and I can and will dine alone, #noregrets #babysteps #ilovecrabcakes

If you’re still reading, I love you! Come back soon for tales from the T, and what I hope will be a long series of quirky, shorter posts that will make you laugh, relate, and hopefully want to read more!